The Charisma Myth

My notes

As extensive research in recent years has shown, charisma is the result of specific nonverbal behaviors,5 not an inherent or magical personal quality. This is one of the reasons why charisma levels fluctuate: its presence depends on whether or not someone is exhibiting these behaviors.

One of the reasons charisma is mistakenly held to be innate is that, like many other social skills, charismatic behaviors are generally learned early in life.

Former Apple CEO Steve Jobs, considered one of the most charismatic CEOs of the decade, did not start out that way. In fact, if you watch his earliest presentations, you’ll see that he came across as bashful and awkward, veering from overly dramatic to downright nerdy.

Power and intentions are what we’re aiming to assess. “Could you move mountains for me? And would you care to do so?”

When you meet a charismatic person, you get the impression that they have a lot of power and they like you a lot.

“Fight or flight?” is the power question. “Friend or foe?” is the warmth question.

presence turns out to be the real core component of charisma, the foundation upon which all else is built. When you’re with a charismatic master—take Bill Clinton, for example—you not only feel his power and a sense of warm engagement, you also feel that he’s completely here with you, in this moment. Present.

“After dining with Mr. Gladstone, I thought he was the cleverest person in England. But after dining with Mr. Disraeli, I thought I was the cleverest person in England.”

Consciously or not, charismatic individuals choose specific behaviors that make other people feel a certain way.

Lower the intonation of your voice at the end of your sentences.

Reduce how quickly and how often you nod.

Pause for two full seconds before you speak.

Have you ever felt, in the middle of a conversation, as if only half of your mind were present while the other half was busy doing something else? Do you think the other person noticed?

Since the human mind can read facial expressions in as little as seventeen milliseconds,1 the person you’re speaking with will likely notice even the tiniest delays in your reactions.

Being charismatic does not depend on how much time you have but on how fully present you are in each interaction.

The people you’re with feel that they have your full attention and that they are the most important thing in the world to you at that moment.

“In most moments we have a continuous internal commentary on what is happening and what we should do next. We might greet a friend with a hug, but the warmth of our greeting becomes blurred by our computations about how long to embrace or what we’re going to say when we’re done. We rush through the motions, not fully present.”

We look for clues of power in someone’s appearance, in others’ reaction to this person, and, most of all, in the person’s body language.

Warmth tells us whether or not people will want to use whatever power they have in our favor.

Warmth is assessed almost entirely through body language and behavior; it’s evaluated more directly than power.

In essence, people will tend to accept whatever you project

combination of power and warmth would have been very rare and very, very precious: a powerful person who also viewed us kindly could mean the difference between life and death in critical moments. Figuring out who might want to help us and who has the power to do so has always been critical to our survival.

No matter how powerful your message or how skillfully crafted your pitch, if your body language is wrong, you won’t be charismatic.

Projecting presence, power, and warmth through your body language is often all you need to be perceived as charismatic.

We can’t micromanage charismatic body language. On the other hand, since our subconscious is responsible for most of our nonverbal signals, if we could direct our subconscious appropriately, then the issue would be solved.

The second consequence is that our body language expresses our mental state whether we like it or not.

Because what’s in your mind shows up in your body and because people will catch even the briefest microexpression, to be effective, charismatic behaviors must originate in your mind.

Due to the fact that whatever is in our mind affects our body, and because our mind has trouble distinguishing imagination from reality, whatever we imagine can have an impact on our body language and, thus, on our levels of charisma.

In fact, Stanford researchers conducted experiments showing that when people try to hide their real feelings, they provoke a threat-response arousal in others

most of us tend to interpret events—whether they’re personal or impersonal—as relating to us

Any physical discomfort that affects your visible, external state—your body language—even slightly may affect how charismatic you are perceived to be. When interacting with someone, assume that he or she will feel (at least on a subconscious level) that whatever you do relates to him or to her.

Counteracting charisma-impairing physical discomfort is simple:\

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Prevent\

Recognize\

Remedy or explain

As much as you can, plan ahead to ensure you’re physically comfortable. Keeping this in mind as you make your choices every day is a simple way to make charisma easier to attain.

When it’s his turn to speak, he could pause for a second, hold up a hand (the visual cue helps), and say something like: “Would you mind if we move just a bit? My eyes are having a hard time with the sunlight.”

Giving voice to something will generally allow both of you to move on from it.

If your brain is going around in circles, obsessing about possible outcomes, try a responsibility transfer to alleviate some of the anxiety

“Our brains are wired first to understand, then to believe, and last to disbelieve. Since disbelief requires additional cognitive effort, we get the physiological effects first. And, though this belief may last only a brief moment, it’s enough to produce an emotional and physical reassurance, which can change our thought patterns as well as help alleviate the uncomfortable feelings.”

By presenting your mind with the possibility that responsibility has been transferred, you’re putting to good use the wonderful placebo effect—the brain’s inability to distinguish between imagination and reality.

Because this tendency to compare is wired very deeply in our brains, trying to fight it can take a lot of effort. Instead, notice when you’re making comparisons and use the responsibility transfer technique to alleviate any internal discomfort it may have caused.

Because our brain doesn’t distinguish between imagination and reality, these internal attacks are perceived by our mind just as a real, physical attack would be, and they can generate an automatic physical reaction known as the threat response or fight-or-flight response.

Feelings like fear or anxiety are designed to get you to do something. They’re uncomfortable because they’re “designed” to be uncomfortable.

To destigmatize, remind yourself that this internal discomfort, whatever it might be, is a normal part of the human experience and a by-product of one of our brain’s survival mechanisms. It helps to think of others who have experienced what you’re going through, especially if you can think of a person who is like you, but maybe just a step or two ahead—a person you both relate to and admire.

Rather than being yours alone to bear, see the issue as the depression, the shame, the sadness that is being felt by a multitude of people right now.

Shame researcher Brené Brown defines it as “the fear of being unlovable: Shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging.”

As with any discomfort or difficult feeling, it is helpful to remember that shame is a standard part of the human experience, and that everyone feels it from time to time.

Remember that uncomfortable emotions are normal, natural, and simply a legacy of our survival instincts. We all experience them from time to time.

Dedramatize: this is a common part of human experience that happens every day.

Think of others who’ve gone through this before, especially people you admire.

See it as one burden shared by many. You are part of a community of human beings experiencing this one feeling at this very moment.

One of the main reasons we’re so affected by our negative thoughts is that we think our mind has an accurate grasp on reality, and that its conclusions are generally valid. This, however, is a fallacy. Our mind’s view of reality can be, and often is, completely distorted.

Don’t assume your thoughts are accurate. Just because your mind comes up with something doesn’t necessarily mean it has any validity. Assume you’re missing a lot of elements, many of which could be positive.

Assign a label to your negative experience: self-criticism, anger, anxiety, etc. Just naming what you are thinking and feeling can help you neutralize it

Depersonalize the experience. Rather than saying “I’m feeling ashamed,” try “There is shame being felt.” Imagine that you’re a scientist observing a phenomenon: “How interesting, there are self-critical thoughts arising.”

Because trying to suppress a self-critical thought only makes it more central to your thinking, it’s a far better strategy to simply aim to neutralize it.

Deciding to change your belief about what happened (technically called cognitive reappraisal) effectively decreases the brain’s stress levels.

In most situations, we don’t know for certain what motivates a person’s actions, so we might as well choose the explanation that is most helpful to us and create a version of events that gets us into the specific mental state we need for charisma.

One charismatic entrepreneur told me: “I decide to interpret everything favorably toward myself. It’s not just that I’m optimistic, I’m actually conveniently deluded.”

A study conducted by the Harvard Medical School suggests that deception may not be necessary for the placebo effect to take hold; it may work its wonders even when people know full well that they’re taking a placebo.5

Writing accesses different parts of our brain6 and affects our beliefs in ways that other modes of expression do not. The act of committing things to writing has been shown to be critical both in changing a person’s mind7 and in making imagined stories feel more real.8 Write in the present tense: “The speech is going well…” Or, even better, in the past tense: “The speech was a complete triumph…”

“Resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.”

Because I really did get the apology I needed (even though I wrote it myself), I actually no longer felt I needed it from him, and this makes it far easier to interact.

Zoom out your focus to see yourself as one little person sitting in a room with certain chemicals flooding his system. Nothing more.

Focusing on the minute sensations of your physical discomfort serves a dual purpose: it gives your mind something concrete to focus on other than its growing conviction that this situation is unbearable. It also has the advantage of bringing you instantly into full presence, a key component of charisma.

You can also remind yourself that you’re doing important personal work, increasing your skills and expanding the boundaries of your comfort zone.

Think of your negative thoughts as graffiti on a wall—you may find it an ugly sight, but just because you see an ugly sight doesn’t mean you’re an ugly person.

Love the confusion.

Don your headphones and let the music of your choice set the mood for whatever mental state you want to achieve.

Visualizing a scene that brings up these feelings—imagining a young child coming to tell you her troubles at school—will help prime your mind for the right language to flow.

Another good gratitude-enhancing tool is to view your life through a third-person lens, writing a narrative about yourself cast in a positive light.

When our only aim is to broadcast goodwill, it takes the pressure off. We’re no longer striving, struggling, pushing for things to go in a certain direction. And since we’re less concerned about how the interaction goes, we can both feel and project more charismatic confidence.

in any interaction, imagine the person you’re speaking to, and all those around you, as having invisible angel wings

For instance, while looking at someone, think, I like you. And I like you just for you. Or try to remember this guideline: Just love as much as you can from wherever you are.

Goodwill means that you wish someone well without necessarily knowing how they’re feeling.

Empathy means that you understand what they feel; perhaps you’ve had a similar experience in the past.

Compassion is empathy plus goodwill: you understand how they feel, and you wish them well.

Consider also that if you had experienced everything they have experienced, perhaps you would have turned out just like they have.

Self-confidence is our belief in our ability to do or to learn how to do something.

Self-esteem is how much we approve of or value ourselves. It’s often a comparison-based evaluation (whether measured against other people or against our own internal standards for approval).

Self-compassion is how much warmth we can have for ourselves, especially when we’re going through a difficult experience.

It’s quite possible for people to have high self-confidence but low self-esteem and very low self-compassion.

People who score high on self-compassion also have a lower tendency for denial. This makes sense: personal mistakes would generate less self-criticism, so people would be more willing to admit to them.

self-compassion is feeling that what happened to you is unfortunate, whereas self-pity is feeling that what happened to you is unfair. In this way, self-pity can lead to resentment or bitterness, and to feeling more isolated and alienated. In contrast, self-compassion often leads to increased feelings of connectedness.

As Germer puts it: “A moment of self-compassion can change your entire day. A string of such moments can change the course of your life.”

Displaying confident body language will actually make you feel more confident; these feelings will in turn affect your body language, which will adapt accordingly, displaying yet more confident signals.

Behavioral science researchers have come to the conclusion that willpower is a bit like a muscle that fatigues depending on how much we use it. If we draw on our willpower to resist a temptation or to put up with a certain annoyance, it will be weaker when we need it for another activity soon after.

Just as professional athletes and performers do, plan a gradual warm-up to reach your peak charismatic performance. Before important events, avoid experiences that would impair your mental state and plan warmth- and confidence-boosting activities instead.

Focus charisma is appropriate for almost all business situations. It’s particularly useful when you need people to open up and share information.

Due to the fact that people tend to accept whatever you project, if you seem inspired, they will assume you have something to be inspired about.

Seldom will you feel again such complete unconditional acceptance from anyone, with the exception, perhaps, of the first few stages of falling in love.

This is one of the downsides of kindness charisma: it can lead to adulation and, potentially, overattachment.

As always, body language trumps all other signs of charisma. Even if all the other signals are present, a body language of insecurity will undermine any possibility of authority charisma.

If you’re naturally uncomfortable in large social gatherings, the next time you’re at a party, don’t force yourself to be sociable right away or to be “on” for the whole evening. Instead, try these easy tweaks. Give yourself five minutes after you arrive to hang back and observe. Then give yourself little “introversion breaks” during the party: five-minute pockets of solitude.

If you’re feeling insecure, don’t try to pull off authority charisma until you’ve regained your confidence. Instead, choose a charisma style that demands less confidence, such as focus or kindness, and then gradually move to authority if you so desire.

Think of goodwill as your charisma safety net: as long as you can get into a state of goodwill, you will have the absolute best chances of getting your charisma right

Why do split-second impressions last for so long? One reason is that, according to economist John Kenneth Galbraith, when “faced with the choice between changing one’s mind and proving there is no need to do so, almost everyone gets busy on the proof.”

“We have long known that people jump to conclusions about others on the basis of very little information,” said one of the researchers, “but what’s striking about these findings is how many of the impressions have a kernel of truth to them, even on the basis of a single photograph.”

Though it may seem inconsequential, a handshake is indeed a serious step in intimacy. The physical contact involved requires that the personal space barrier be suspended, if only for a moment. It therefore requires trust. If the trust is validated (the handshake goes well), the first step in a relationship is made.

First things first: make sure your right hand is free. Shift anything it may be holding to your left hand well in advance. You don’t want to have to fumble at the last moment.

Avoid holding a drink in your right hand, especially if it’s a cold drink, as the condensation will make your hand feel cold and clammy.

Before shaking someone’s hand, whether you are a man or a woman, rise if you’re seated. And keep your hands out of your pockets: visible hands make you look more open and honest.

Make sure to use plenty of eye contact, and smile warmly but briefly: too much smiling could make you appear overeager.

Keep your head straight, without tilting it in any way, and face the person fully.

Keep your hand perfectly perpendicular, neither dominant (palm down) nor submissive (palm up). If you’re in doubt, angle your thumb straight to the ceiling.

Open wide the space between your thumb and index finger to make sure you get optimal thumb-web contact.

Ensure contact between the palms of your hands by keeping your palm flat—not cupped—and by draping your hand across your partner’s diagonally.

Try to wrap your fingers around your partner’s hand, scaling them one by one, as if you were giving a hug with your hand. You will almost have your index finger on their pulse—almost, but not quite.\

Once full contact is made, lock your thumb down and squeeze firmly, about as much as your partner does. Shake from the elbow (not the wrist), linger for a moment if you want to convey particular warmth, and step back.

An easy way to start interactions in a way that both communicates warmth and sends the conversation down the right path is to offer a compliment about something the person is wearing.

Continue with an open-ended question, such as “What’s the story behind it?” The word story has a very strong emotional effect on most people—it sends them straight into storytelling mode, which instantly changes the rapport between the two of you.

Another good question to break the ice with is “Where are you from?” No matter what the answer, it will encourage further dialogue. Whether they answer “New York” or “New Delhi,” if you’re not from that area, you can follow up with “What was it like growing up there?” The smaller the town of origin, the more delighted they will be that you have expressed interest.

To keep people talking, simply ask open-ended questions, such as “What brought you here tonight?” or “How are you connected to this event?” Closed questions, by contrast, can be answered by yes or no, and once answered, they land you right back where you started, trying to think of something else to keep the conversation going.

Aim to keep your questions focused on positive subjects because people will associate you with whatever feelings your conversation generates. Instinctively, you would probably know to avoid asking “So how’s the divorce going?” Instead, focus on questions that will likely elicit positive emotions.

If they start asking about you and you want to refocus the conversation on them, use the bounce back technique. Answer the question with a fact, add a personal note, and redirect the question to them, as follows:

In fact, even when you’re speaking, the one word that should pop up most often in your conversation is not I but you. Instead of saying “I read a great article on that subject in the New York Times,” try “You might enjoy the recent New York Times article on the subject.” Or simply insert “You know…” before any sentence to make them instantly perk up and pay attention.

To make yourself even more relatable, adjust your choice of words, your breadth and depth of vocabulary, and your expressions to suit your audience: focus on their fields of interest and choose metaphors from those domains. If they’re into golf and you want to talk about success, speak of hitting a hole in one. If they sail, a catastrophe becomes a shipwreck.

First, don’t wait too long to end it. Otherwise, you and your partner will feel the strain and become uncomfortable.

Another way to exit a conversation with grace is to offer something of value:\

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Information: an article, book, or Web site you think might be of use to them\

A connection: someone they ought to meet whom you know and can introduce them to\

Visibility: an organization you belong to, where you could invite them to speak\

Recognition: an award you think they should be nominated for

Alternatively, if the person has agreed to meet someone in the room, simply say, “Let me introduce you,” and bring them together.

In this case, focus all your attention, with particularly warm eye contact (see chapter 9 for this), not on the person you’re taking with you but on the person who is being left behind.

Once a conversation is over, don’t waste time worrying about what you said, what you wish you hadn’t said, or what you’ll say next time. As the MIT Media Lab studies showed, what impacts people isn’t the words or content used. Rather, they remember how it felt to be speaking with you.

People feel most comfortable with those who are similar to them in some way, including appearance and behavior. Do your homework and decide how much you want to adapt your dress and word choice to your environment.

No matter how congratulatory and warm your input, it will always result in their feeling at least a twinge of resentment or frustration at not having been allowed to complete their sentence.

Great listeners know to let others interrupt them. When someone interrupts you, let them!

In fact, if you notice the other person repeatedly agitating to speak, keep your sentences short and leave frequent pauses for them to jump in.

“In job interviews, I’ve gotten offers simply by going in for an interview and letting the interviewer talk for ninety percent of the time. I walk out and they absolutely love me since we talked about what mattered most to them.”

Master listeners know one extra trick, one simple but extraordinarily effective habit that will make people feel truly listened to and understood: they pause before they answer.

When someone has spoken, see if you can let your facial expression react first, showing that you’re absorbing what they’ve just said and giving their brilliant statement the consideration it deserves. Only then, after about two seconds, do you answer.

Many of us either turn bashful or modestly deflect the compliment by saying something like “Oh, it’s nothing…”\

Unfortunately, doing this sends a message to your admirer that they were wrong to compliment you.

Stop.\

Absorb the compliment. Enjoy it if you can.\

Let that second of absorption show on your face. Show the person that they’ve had an impact.\

Thank them. Saying “Thank you very much” is enough, but you can take it a step further by thanking them for their thoughtfulness or telling them that they’ve made your day.

One great trick is to imagine that the person you’re speaking with is the main star in a movie you’re watching right now. This will help you find them more interesting, and there’s even a chance that you’ll make them feel like a movie star, too.

Don’t try to impress people. Let them impress you, and they will love you for it. Believe it or not, you don’t need to sound smart. You just need to make them feel smart.

When you speak in words, the brain has to relate the words to concepts, then translate the concepts into images, which is what actually gets understood. Why not speak directly in the brain’s own language?

During Chrysler’s remarkable turnaround, Lee Iacocca initiated a series of factory closings, which of course meant that thousands of workers would be fired. To mitigate the emotional backlash that could have ensued, he used a battle metaphor, comparing himself to an army surgeon, a job he called “the toughest assignment in the world.”

When you tell someone, “No problem,” “Don’t worry,” or “Don’t hesitate to call,” for example, there’s a chance their brain will remember “problem,” “worry,” or “hesitate” instead of your desire to support them. To counter this negative effect, use phrases like “We’ll take care of it” or “Please feel free to call anytime.”

The longer you speak, the higher the price you’re making them pay, so the higher the value ought to be.

When you speak or write, use few words and lots of pictures, and strive to make your communications useful, enjoyable, and even entertaining.

Studies have consistently shown that audience ratings of a lecture are more strongly influenced by delivery style than by content.

The degree to which your voice fluctuates affects your persuasiveness and your charisma. Increasing voice fluctuation means making your voice vary in any of the following ways: pitch (high or low), volume (loud or quiet), tone (resonant or hollow), tempo (fast or slow), or rhythm (fluid or staccato).

Speak slowly. Visualize the contrast between a nervous, squeaky teenager speaking at high speed and the slow, emphatic tone of a judge delivering a verdict.

Pause. People who broadcast confidence often pause while speaking. They will pause for a second or two between sentences or even in the middle of a sentence. This conveys the feeling that they’re so confident in their power, they trust that people won’t interrupt.

Lowering the intonation of your voice at the end of a sentence broadcasts power. When you want to sound superconfident, you can even lower your intonation midsentence.

Breathing through your mouth can make you sound breathless and anxious.

Smiling affects how we speak to such an extent that listeners in one study could identify sixteen different kinds of smiles based on sound alone.9 This is why it’s worth smiling even when on the phone.

People associate you with the feelings you produce in them. Avoid creating negative associations: don’t make them feel bad or wrong.

“Logic makes people think. Emotion makes them act.” Which would you rather have? If you speak only to people’s logical mind, you’re missing half the playing field.

When we detect someone else’s emotions through their behaviors or facial expressions, our mirror neurons reproduce these emotions. This is what makes empathy possible.

Within organizations, leaders’ emotions always propagate fastest because people are strongly affected by those in a position of power

When you consciously mirror someone’s body language, you activate deep instincts of trust and liking. For this reason, it can be a great aid when you need people to open up.

During your next few conversations, try to mirror the other person’s overall posture: the way they hold their head, how they place their feet, the shifts in their weight. If they move their left hand, move your right hand. Aim also to adapt your voice to theirs in speed, pitch, and intonation.

Be selective: do only what feels natural to you. For instance, some gestures are gender-specific.\

Use variations in amplitude: if they make a big gesture, you could make a smaller one.\

Use lag time: let a few seconds elapse before you move into a mirrored position.

Mirroring is also one of the few techniques that can help overcome a bad first impression.

Mirror-then-lead is a smart strategy when the person you’re interacting with needs reassurance—when they’re feeling nervous or timid, anxious or awkward, stiff or withdrawn. With any of these emotional states, mirror them to establish comfort and rapport, and then gradually draw them out.

In the same manner that animals define and defend their territories, we humans feel “ownership” of the space around us. This territory, even if it’s just a few inches, is felt as an extension of our bodies, and we act to preserve this space and react strongly if it is invaded

The next time you want to establish warm rapport with someone, avoid a confrontational seating arrangement and instead sit either next to or at a 90-degree angle from them.

If you want someone to feel comfortable, avoid seating them with their back to an open space, particularly if others are moving behind them

Anthropologist Helen Fisher explains that when you stare with intensity at someone, it can speed up their heart rate and send a hormone called phenylethylamine, or PEA, coursing through their bloodstream. PEA is the same hormone that produces the phenomenon we call love at first sight.

Eye contact is so meaningful to us that our brains are hardwired to experience separation distress whenever someone with whom we have significant eye contact turns away.

Here are three simple steps to help you switch to a soft, open focus: First, close your eyes. Focus on the space around you, the empty space in the room. Now focus on the space filling the entire universe. That’s it—you’ve moved into “soft focus.”

The next time you’re in a conversation, try to regularly check whether your eyes are feeling tense. If you feel the slightest bit of tension around your eyes, aim to relax them.

Projecting power and confidence is what allows you to emanate warmth, enthusiasm, and excitement without coming across as overeager or subservient.

Your eyes scan and assess potential obstacles, including other people in your way. To determine whether you need to modify your route to avoid them, you read their body language without even realizing it.

Deborah Gruenfeld, organizational behavior professor at Stanford’s business school, says that “Powerful people sit sideways on chairs, drape their arms over the back, or appropriate two chairs by placing an arm across the back of an adjacent chair. They put their feet on the desk. They sit on the desk.” All of these behaviors, she says, are ways of claiming space.

Anytime your breathing is shallow, you activate the stress response. It’s hard to feel calm, relaxed, and confident when you’re not getting enough oxygen and your body thinks it’s in fight-or-flight mode.

Make sure you can breathe. Loosen any clothing if need be.\

Stand up and shake up your body.\

Take a wide stance and plant your feet firmly on the ground. A wide, stable stance helps you both feel and project more confidence.\

Stretch your arms to the ceiling, trying to touch it with your fingertips.\

Now stretch your arms to the walls on either side of you, trying to touch them.\

Bring your arms loosely to your sides, and roll your shoulders up and then back.\

INFLATE. Try to take up as much space as possible. Imagine puffing up like a gorilla, doubling in size.

As Stanford’s Gruenfeld found, people who assume expansive poses (taking up more space) experience a measurable physiological shift. In one experiment, assertiveness- and energy-promoting hormones rose by 19 percent, while anxiety hormones fell by 25 percent.

Nodding once for emphasis or to express agreement is fine and can be an effective communication method, but nodding three or four times in rapid succession is not. This is what one of my clients has come to call “the bobble head.”

excessive verbal reassurance: making a sound, such as “uh-huh,” or a half-sentence, such as “Oh, I agree.” Done once, and consciously, this is fine; multiple times per sentence is not.

Fidgeting decreases presence, thus charisma. Even when you have warmth, confidence, and are mentally present, if you are physically restless, you can’t be charismatic. Your body language is sending distracting signals.

You can also aim to bring your chin down a few degrees—imagine a king bowing his head to a noble emissary. This has a double benefit. It avoids giving the impression that you’re contemptuously looking down your nose at someone (the impression given when your head is tilted back) and simultaneously makes you appear more thoughtful, attentive, and deliberate as your eyes automatically open wider.

When people are defensive, break their body language lock by handing them something to look at or something they will have to lean forward to take.

To project power, take up space (be the big gorilla) and be still (adopt a regal posture)

It’s far more difficult to have charisma when you’re dealing with a group because you must handle all the individual contexts on top of the group dynamic.

This technique has become known as the Ben Franklin Effect. Having lent Franklin the book, the opponent had to either consider himself as inconsistent (having done a favor for someone he disliked) or rationalize his action by deciding that he actually rather liked Franklin.

Asking for someone’s opinion is a better strategy than asking for their advice, because giving advice feels like more effort, as they have to tailor a recommendation to your situation, whereas with an opinion, they can just spout whatever is on their mind.

Find ways to remind them of any help they’ve given you in the past. Express your appreciation and gratitude, highlight the choice they made, the effort they put in; and if they put their reputation on the line for you in any way, play it up. Remember, it’ll make them rationalize their actions in your favor. “Wow, I really did go all-out for this person. I must really like them.”

The more appreciation you express and the more you show them the impact they’ve had on you, the more they will like you and feel invested in your success.

When you show people how they’ve impacted you, they feel that they’ve in a sense made you. This sense of ownership gives them a vested interest, and they identify with you; you become part of their identity. Therefore, they feel more responsibility for ensuring your success.

As they welcome us to our arrival city, the pilot or flight attendants now often say: “We know you have many airlines to choose from, and we thank you for choosing to fly with us.” Hearing their appreciation reminds us that we had a choice, and that we chose them

Most of us would much rather decide we’re happy with our choice of airline than find fault with our decision.

Reminding people that they had a choice and that they chose you, your company, your service, or your suggestion is one of the most useful tools to maintain their support for you or your idea, particularly when the going gets rough and people start complaining.

If someone feels like they’ve done you harm, they will seek to rationalize their actions and will convince themselves that what they did was justified. They don’t want to feel like a bad person, therefore you must have done something wrong in order for them to act this way toward you.

By showing someone the impact they’ve had on a project or an idea, they will feel a degree of ownership of it, and then instinctively will feel driven to support it. Show them how it changed as a result of their involvement, their actions, or their recommendations. Change is the sign of impact. As soon as we create change, we have created impact.

Better yet, show the person how this idea or project was, at its very core, in its very source, inspired by what they did in the past—a similar idea, project, or initiative they supported.

“Getting angry is like taking a small dose of slow-acting poison,” he concluded. It leads to higher blood pressure and arterial damage, and it spurs cholesterol-filled fat cells to empty into the bloodstream.

counteract the stress hormones that could flood your system, impair your mental functioning, and generate negative body language, flood your system with oxytocin instead. To do this when dealing with a difficult person, get into empathy and stay there

It might also help to consider that this person may well be in a state of utter self-loathing. The internal world of difficult people can be pretty nasty—that’s the very reason they’re difficult.

Hostility is often nothing but the external manifestation of internal turmoil.

If you need a compassion boost, consider an alternate reality. Imagine that just a few hours ago they saw a beloved parent die.

Getting into empathy will protect your mental and emotional state, and give you the right body language throughout. If you’re in an adversarial mindset, this will be written across your face.

With a brain wired to look out for the negative, when we hear “It’s bad news,” our brain automatically starts thinking of the worst possible scenarios.

when you can, by all means, consider both timing and location. Before you pick up the phone or sit the person down to talk, take a moment to imagine what mental state they might be in

If you know they’ve just had a very rough, stressful, or tiring twenty-four hours and you can wait a day, do so

Have you ever noticed the way that people fidget with items in their hands or with their clothing—for instance, toying with their shirt buttons when they’re in the middle of a difficult conversation or when they’re having trouble expressing themselves? What they’re subconsciously doing is finding objects on which to focus their mind to distract themselves from the discomfort of their immediate experience.

It’s fascinating to see throughout the interaction the way they’ll bring their focus back to the Play-Doh in their hands whenever they’re feeling a bit awkward and need to relieve the intensity of their discomfort.

Make sure that throughout your interaction you express your care and concern both nonverbally and verbally; tell them, if appropriate, what you would like to do to ease their discomfort.

Use all the internal tools you’ve gained to handle this difficult experience as best as you can and keep giving yourself praise and encouragement. You’re doing your best.

Unfortunately, criticism—like dental exams, airport security, and, depending on whom you ask, taxes—is a necessary evil.

With criticism (or with “constructive feedback”), try to provide it as soon as possible after witnessing the behavior you want to change. Just be sure the person is in a physically and emotionally receptive state when you do so.

Second, get into the right mindset, one of compassion and empathy. Yes, even when delivering criticism, your compassion will play out across your body language and affect the entire interaction in a positive way.

When people feel that you have their best interests at heart, it can change the dynamic entirely.

what ways do you see your comments changing now? Try to remind yourself of this regularly throughout the difficult conversation and imagine the respected mentor watching you

decide exactly what points you want to make: be specific. Focusing on a few key points rather than making an exhaustive list will prevent the other person from feeling overwhelmed.

if your criticism is too general, their danger-wary brain might imagine the worst possible interpretations of your message.

depersonalize. As much as possible, communicate that what you’re critiquing is the behavior, not the person. It’s harder to find common ground when someone feels that their intentions or character traits have been criticized.

we create the feelings of anxiety in our bodies—it’s our decision to become upset.

Human beings remember “firsts”—the first time something happens, or the beginning of an experience—and we tend to remember “lasts” as well.

If you start your criticism with a positive beginning, it will affect the rest of the experience. In the first moments, when people are most apprehensive, what they need is reassurance

Defensiveness, after all, is often just the outward face of fear and insecurity.

Instead of pointing to this fact directly, first acknowledge his many positive contributions. This way, he will feel that his entire history is fairly recognized. It also recognizes the behavior as momentary, a lapse in otherwise good behavior.

Tell people exactly what you want to see from them, as opposed to what you don’t want to see.

When you sense defensiveness, whether through their facial expressions, body language, or tone of voice, dial up your warmth to move them back into a more positive frame of mind.

Next steps: Review the steps that will be taken to improve the situation, particularly if you’re going to do any of it together. Give the sense of constructive, forward motion.\

Appreciation: Tell them how much you appreciate how well they took your feedback. Praise even the slightest good effort here; you’re providing positive reinforcement so they’ll improve over time.\

A positive future: Bring up anything that both of you can look forward to in the future, such as exciting events or upcoming projects—whatever conveys the fact that you’re looking forward to future interactions.

Once you get through a difficult situation and it was well handled, you know that the relationship can withstand difficulty. The apprehension is resolved.

Most people do such a piss-poor job of apologizing that just by being halfway decent at it, you’ll be head and shoulders above the rest

Forgiving yourself and getting into a good mental state also helps you avoid appearing overly apologetic, subservient, or insecure.

Whether you’re apologizing in person or on the phone, your first concern is to let the other person have their say.

While you listen, be fully present, and try to avoid preparing your response. Instead, focus your entire attention on determining precisely what the complaint is.

Surprisingly, your wording can be very simple (again, body language is what really matters). A simple “I’m very sorry” delivered with full presence and full warmth can work wonders.

On the phone, always ask, “Is this a good time for you?” before launching into conversation.

For best results, get up from your desk and away from all distractions. Stay standing and walk around (your voice will sound more energetic) while focusing entirely on the phone call. Just as actors do when they lend their voices to puppets, use the same body language techniques as you would in person.

Do not answer the phone in a warm or friendly manner. Instead, answer crisply and professionally. Then, only after you hear who is calling, let warmth or even enthusiasm pour forth in your voice.

write out the e-mail as you normally would, but before you send it, simply cut and paste so that whatever pertains to the other person appears first and most prominently.

perfection is not when there is no more to add, but when there is no more to subtract.

You, too, will often be communicating with attention-starved audiences who will devote only part of their attention to what you are saying.

Select the single most important idea you want to convey and make it as crystal clear and easy to understand as you possibly can. Ideally, you should be able to articulate your message in one sentence.

The human brain thinks in triads (from Olympic medals to fairy tales, it’s three medals, three princes, three bears), and it cannot immediately comprehend numbers greater than four.

Stories have a particularly strong impact on people. In fact, audiences will often remember first the story, and only second the point the story was making.

Using metaphors and analogies can be a highly effective way of capturing your audience’s imagination. For maximum impact, choose images and analogies that would appeal to a young audience. The speeches that give us a feeling of awe and wonder are those that appeal to our childhood roots.

Make even numbers and statistics personal, meaningful, and relatable for your audience.

Whether you use a story, example, number, or statistic, make sure that you close with either a clear point or a transition to the action step you want your audience to take.

It’s hard to have a question-and-answer period as compelling and energetic as your main speech. Almost inevitably, the Q&A period lowers the energy.

It’s all about them. Use the word you as often as possible. Use their words, their stories, their metaphors: hole in one for golfers, shipwreck for sailors.

Think sneak preview, not full-length movie.

Red conveys energy, passion. Wear red to wake up an audience.\

Black shows you’re serious and that you won’t take no for an answer.\

White exudes honesty and innocence, which is why defendants often choose it in the courtroom.\

Blue emits trust. The darker the shade, the deeper the level of trust it elicits.\

Gray is a good neutral, the quintessential color of business.\

Orange and yellow are not recommended. Because they are the first to attract the human eye, they are also the first to tire it.

If you’ve been videotaped, ask three people to point out any unnecessary gestures—any tics or distractions.

If you’ve been audiotaped, have the speech transcribed and ask them to note every “um” and “ah

If you can, perform the entire speech at least once in front of a live audience as a trial run.

First, when you stand, be sure to have a wide stance, well balanced on both feet.

Second, practice without a podium or a lectern. Speaking behind one can give the impression that you’re fearful to venture out, and prefer staying behind the safety of a shield.

Third, find the right volume to project confidence.

Today, great public speakers emulate the fireside chat atmosphere: no matter how many people are in the audience, you feel as if they’re speaking directly to you.

Another way to make people feel special as you roam about the stage is to give one to two seconds of eye contact per person.

You can make this easier by making eye contact first with the people who seem the most animated—those who are smiling, showing interest, or nodding.

BREATHE! Today, when learning a new speech, I’ll often still include notes to myself every few pages: Pause. Breathe. Slow Down.

Throughout your speech, pause frequently, deliberately. Have the confidence to make your listeners wait for your words.

If you’ve just used humor, have the courage to wait for the laughter to swell and subside before you move on.

When you walk on stage, come to the center, face the audience, and stop. Remain completely silent as you count three full seconds while slowly sweeping your eyes across the crowd and making eye contact.

Just considering, even for a second, the mistake you made as a good thing can be enough to stop the fight-or-flight response in its tracks. Because the brain’s first reaction to new concepts is to accept them as valid, in the extra second it takes disbelief to arise, you will already have moved on with renewed confidence.

You can tell yourself, for instance, that business moguls and entertainers make mistakes purposefully to make themselves more relatable to the audience.

If, instead, you can make it all about your audience—wondering how they’re doing—you take the focus off yourself, lift your self-consciousness, and get into a state of goodwill, which will be read and appreciated by the audience.

Arrive early if you can; walk the stage to visualize and own it.

Limit superfluous gestures that distract the audience’s attention.

Speak as if you’re sharing a secret with the audience, telling them something special and confidential.

It’s easier to be perceived as charismatic during a crisis because people facing an emergency are more readily affected by a leader’s magnetism;

First, retain at least a certain measure of equanimity.

Second, express high expectations. Sometimes, simply assigning to people the labels you want them to live up to is enough.

Express this expectation as if you have full confidence that they can live up to it. Better yet, act like you assume they already are meeting these standards.

Third, articulate a vision. A charismatic vision is what will give your charisma staying power when the crisis is over.

To be charismatic, your vision must vividly illustrate the difference between the way things are now and the way they could be.

Studies consistently show that in times of crisis, people instinctively turn to individuals who are bold, confident, and decisive.

As you become increasingly magnetic, you may find yourself attracting praise, admiration, and envy.

Reflecting the glory means highlighting others’ contributions. This works well, and has the additional bonus of making you look modest.

Giving people a sense of ownership for your success is a great way to prevent resentment and engender good feelings, such as pride and loyalty, instead.

Justification. Create an excuse for contacting the person; it can’t seem completely out of the blue:

Impact. Let them know the positive impact they’ve had on you. What did they do or say or what example did they set that changed you for the better?

The Justification-Appreciation-Laying-out-the-Impact sequence creates a feeling of Responsibility (JALIR). It gives people a feeling of vested interest in your success.

“Never take people deeper than they’re ready to go. It’s your job to not give in to the high, to not let them reveal more than they’re ready for.”

Sometimes, without realizing it, as people feel so safe and strong, they’ll venture too close to their own demons, ones that they’re not ready to face. This challenge is one of the few downsides that can accompany kindness or focus charisma.

As soon as you hear them start to say something you think they may regret, interject a “me, too” story. This is the one case where interruption is warranted.

If it’s too late and they’ve already gone too far, show them that you are placing their revelations in the whole-scope context of all you know about them—that whatever they are revealing is just one piece of a much bigger picture that contains many elements they can be proud of.

You can also aim to make them feel admired for having shared and revealed so much. Remember, what you’re trying to counteract is shame, and few things work better for this than admiration.

When you turn on your charisma full blast, you create a kind of reality distortion field around you.

“This pressure to always overperform can really burn out charismatic people. We no longer allow ourselves to be human, and no one can live like that.”

showing vulnerability and humanity makes you more relatable and helps to avoid the feeling of alienation

You can also ask them to keep this conversation confidential. Not only will this make you feel safer, it will make people treasure the moment more. People love secrets.

Do another quick responsibility transfer immediately after revealing the vulnerability. This helps your brain get comfortable with expressing vulnerabilities by linking to the process the good feelings that a transfer of responsibility often brings.

As you become increasingly charismatic and things start happening easily for you, there’s also a risk of assuming that things happen just as easily and smoothly for other people.

“If you’re going in the right direction, you’ll get there faster. In the wrong direction, charisma will also help you get there faster. It’s an asset, not an insurance policy. Do many charismatic leaders fail? Of course they do. Just like many very intelligent leaders. That doesn’t mean that either charisma or intelligence is wrong.”